Is this Heaven...?

No, It's the Iowa State Fair.

It was that time of the year again...time to pack the kids into the giant pick-up truck, grow out the mullet, put on the beer stained wife beater, and head on down to the Iowa State Fair (We only did one of those things; most other people at the Fair do all those things. I kid...Kind of).

U Gotta Love It!!!

I do, in fact, love it. (Did you know that Rodgers and Hammerstein wrote a play set at the Iowa State Fair, and that it was made into a movie? Don't believe me? Well, IMDb doesn't lie. It even won an Oscar for Best Score)

If you'll recall, one of the first things the wife and I did upon arriving in Iowa last year was attend the Iowa State Fair. We were overwhelmed with the selection and quality of deep-fried food on a stick. And the heat/humidity was oppressive. This year, we had a game plan: we eat nothing that doesn't come on a stick.

Generally, the month of August here is hot and humid - people often refer to this as 'Fair Weather' - last year we experienced this, and it was dreadful. Fortunately, this year, the summer has been relatively cool and dry, so we were able to spend 7 hours at the fair, instead of getting tired out after 4 like last year.

The day got off to a great start immediately, on the bus from our parking lot to the Fairgrounds. We got on early, so had seats, but a family of Iowans (or at least Midwesterners) got on towards the end and had to stand and hold on to the straps. They all had on matching shirts and sandals with white socks. Here was their exchange (I'm paraphrasing):

Mom: I feel like I'm in New York City. Except it doesn't smell as bad.
Son: I rode the subway in New York. It was confusing and scary.
Mom: Ya, it's the same way in Boston. I don't know what it is about those subways, but they're terrible.

[Non-Fair related tangent: I was annoyed. First of all, I had on a shirt that said MASSACHUSETTS on it, meaning there's a good chance I resided close to Boston at some point in my life; you probably want to look around before besmirching other people's hometown. Second, nice sandals and white socks; that's a good combo. Third, I've rode the subways in both Boston (often) and New York (once); both were easy to ride, simple to navigate, well-lit, and not scary. Granted, there's usually little or no air-conditioning on those cars in the summer, so there's some smell, but let me tell you this: I'll take that smell over the smell of factory-farm pig stench on a stagnant, humid summer day every time. Fourth: nice matching shirts.

I find this to be one of the more amazing things about people from the middle. A lot of them complain that they are fly-over country, that everyone from the coasts, especially NYC, think they're a bunch of rubes with no culture and live in manure. And they rightly are offended by this. But to then turn around and believe/spread/create rumors about city-folk yourselves is terribly hypocritical. Cities aren't really that scary. The Middle isn't really that backwards. Sometimes, people are stupid. Check that: Most of the time, people are stupid. Back to the Fair.]

Of course, the first thing we did at the Fair was get something to eat: it was 1030 am and we had our game plan to stick to. We headed over to the Iowa Pork Producers and got a Pork Chop on a Stick. In most parts of the world, a pork chop is about 1/2 - 1" thick - a nice size to grill or broil. Here in Iowa, they have a special cut, conveniently called an Iowa Chop, which is usually 2 -3 " inches thick. The stick in this case is nothing more than the bone, but that qualifies to me.

From there, we headed to the Agriculture building to peruse the prettiest vegetable winners,

see the champion pumpkin (another State Fair record),
and of course, the Butter Cow, who this year was accompanied by a Butter Shawn Johnson (and Olympic Gold-medalist) and some other painter guy.

We then stopped for a smoked turkey leg. These things are straight out of the Flintstones. This, along with the cheese curds, pork tenderloin sandwiches, and corn dogs, are one of the staples of the Fair. We weren't impressed: the turkey tasted like ham, which is just weird, and it was really salty. We ate about 1/3 of it and threw out the rest. For us, the giant Turkey leg was 7/8ths hype, 1/8th taste.

On to the Prepared Foods building, where all the canning and cooking competitions were held. We weren't planning on eating anything, but they were giving away free ice cream bars on a stick so we had some of those - a palate cleanser if you will.

Unfortunately, we were somewhat disappointed with the canning displays. I'm not sure if the 500-year flooding event Iowa had earlier this year limited the number of entries, but we were unimpressed. Well, not unimpressed, because there was some pretty stuff, especially the white/green striped canned beans, but underwhelmed. Oh well.

We then circled around to the livestock barns, where we watched a sheep judging competition (kind of boring since they all look alike, although the one woman who was coaxing her sheep along by sticking her hand way far up its butt was pretty interesting), walked down the 'Avenue of Breeds,' where they show off all types of horses, cows, sheep, goats, rabbits, and chicken breeds, and visited with the Biggest Boar (once again, enormously large testicles) winner and his runner-up (in case the winner can't perform his duties). These Boar are so big I don't think they can stand up - two years we've seen them now, and not once has any of them even moved while we were there.

After that, some more deep fried wonderfulness. This time, we went simple and decided on fried, battered cheese curds. Honestly, these may be the best food ever invented. I could eat 10 million of them and never get bored. (Technically, the cheese curds aren't on a stick, but it doesn't matter, we made an exception. Trust me, if you ever have tried a deep fried, battered cheese curd, you understand what I'm talking about)

We then went to something new: the 'This is how a Real Farm Works' Building. In this building, they had arranged for various animals to give birth every day of the Fair. Since we went towards the end of the Fair, most stuff had already been born, like the piglets, cows, and goats (baby goats are very adorable, and pretty funny looking). There were also chickens hatching and baby ostriches, as well as ostrich eggs still incubating. And just for fun, while we were there, they were spaying a dog in front of a live audience; I thought this would be kind of gross and cool to watch, but it was terribly boring.

This building may have been our favorite part of the Fair this year. This entire building was basically saying: "Hey City /Suburban folk. The food you eat, it starts out really cute. Then we kill it and eat it. Deal with it. Its the Circle of Life." We weren't able to witness a live-birth, but we got the point.

As were leaving this awesome new building, we ran into some friends. We sat with them as they snacked on some cheese curds, a deep fried Milky Way, and deep fried pineapple; we also had deep fried pineapple, which of course comes on a stick (after re-reading that last sentence, I think we qualify as Iowans. We saw people we knew at the State Fair and shared fried food on a stick with them. Sounds like Iowa to me)

After that, the day took a bit of a turn for the weird. First, we took part in a popcorn poll, where you got a kernel of corn and put it in a jar for the Presidential candidate you were supporting. As we were going through the line, the guy behind us said '10 out of 10 terrorists support Obama.' We were pretty upset by this comment, and said something to the fine gentleman who said it. I don't really care who you vote for (well, I actually do - Barack the Vote!), but that kind of comment, based on rumor-mongering, really has no place in a real discussion on the merits of our future President. It made us sad.

We then entered the Varied Industries building. Back in the day, this was the place where farmers could check out the newest products for both the farm and home. Now, it's filled with sauna salesmen and political booths. It's pretty weird. There was an Anti-Evolution booth; I'm sure these people mean well, but to argue that humans co-existed with dinosaurs (and possibly even rode them like horses) is a pretty funny concept. I think we actually laughed out loud when we saw this booth. After passing a few anti-abortion booths, we decided it was time to go. It was starting to get hot, and we were tired.

On the way out, Kimberly stopped to get the gigantic-ist ice cream cone I've ever seen from the Iowa Dairy Association; she asked for a double scoop, but somehow ended up with 4 scoops. It was pretty insane.

I took a little detour to see the 'Super Bull,' in this case an albino looking thing, also with gigantic testicles. When I walked in, it was lying on its side. After a few seconds, it stood up with a speed that was very impressive for an animal of its size - me and the kid next to me jumped backwards as he turned towards us, despite the fact he was behind a fence. He also had a nose piercing (a bull ring, if you will), which made him look super scary.
I would not want to be the guy at Hawkeye Breeders that does this job:

And after that, another year at the Fair was over. While we ate a good amount of food, we skipped the pork tenderloin sandwich, which are supposed to be fantastic. And the Beef Sundae (like an ice cream sundae, but not at all like an ice cream sundae). And a Fried Twinkie on a Stick. And, sadly, the corn dogs. but we need to save something new to try for next year.

As for next year, we'll be even more prepared, and we're hoping to become more active participants in the Fair Experience. We're planning on entering Miles into the 'Best House Cat' competition (again, not joking); not to put too much pressure on the little feline, but I'm pretty sure he's going to win. I'm also hoping to submit some sunflower heads into the 'Largest Sunflower Head' competition; after sizing up this year's winners in person, I'm pretty sure we could compete. There's also a handful of 'Prettiest' vegetable competitions I think we could compete and place highly in, it just kind of depends on how early we can get our crops in the ground and get some fruit to ripen.

If I were you, I'd start planning my vacation for the 2009 Iowa State Fair right now. Just hope that we don't have Fair Weather.

[Check out all the pics on Flickr]